Back in November I realised I had been living in London for over a year and a half and still have no GP so figured I would start seeing one! We got talking and I just thought maybe I would mention something that has really bugged me, my weight and the hair growth! Since moving to London I have significantly cut back on drinking which alone should have had some impact on weight loss, but when you add that to me being in the gym 3 to 4 times a week and also tracking my calories to a 1,400 to 1,500 calorie diet…it just wasn’t making sense to me why my weight was increasing or where this hair was coming from. I once lost 22lbs over a 6-month period but by putting my body into starvation mode and started having some bad side effects from it so couldn’t keep that up! She instantly brought up that it could be my thyroid or PCOS. I was already aware of issues with then thyroid, I have had family struggling with this, but I really didn’t know much about PCOS.
I was genuinely delighted that she was looking into medical reasons for my weight gain. I knew I wasn’t living badly enough to justify where my weight was, but you try telling that to other people!!! I didn’t think about other implications of it being PCOS because I so relieved. I am sure many of you can relate to being overweight and having others judge you all the time. So, imagine how happy you feel finding out there was a medical reason all this time????? OVER THE FREAKING MOON!!!!!!! All I wanted to do was contact anyone who ever made a nasty comment and let them know, make them feel bad for being so awful, but well…that is not practical or emotionally healthy.
My relief was really short lived. As I started to research more around PCOS I began to relate more and more to some of the other symptoms. I have always been quite up and down mood wise, although I am exceptional at hiding it to the outside world. My family would suffer a lot of the downs, but outside my house I was the most positive person. I also started losing a lot of hair but had been dying it, so I put it down to that, I go through some bad cases of anxiety but instead of talking about it would find myself crying alone, and I have always had problems sleeping. I never once looked at these things as connected to each other as part of a bigger problem. My family obviously didn’t know I had PCOS so I don’t hold anything against them, but growing if I was moody or irrational it was just put down to me being dramatic or watching too much reality/American TV. I genuinely thought that was all it was, so I have spent years trying to deal with it internally.
As I continued to research how on earth I was going to face this and try get it under control, I ended up causing more stress to myself. There is so much posted online from different diets, how to “cure” it naturally, what worked for different people, reviews on medications they suggest etc. I completely overwhelmed myself and completely broke down. I was living in a foreign country away from my family and core friends, I can’t go back if I want an insurance company to cover the costs of all my appointments and medications etc., and there is only 1 person I can completely 100% depend on every time here in London and that is my boyfriend, which puts a lot of pressure on him and our relationship. I had a meltdown. I blamed him for me still being in London, as otherwise I could have been diagnosed at home around my family support, I felt really alone and a lot of resentment. All completely unfair on him because it isn’t true. I chose to be here, so taking all of my frustration out on the person who is there for me every day was completely unfair. He didn’t even argue back, he just took it and talked me through my feelings…yes he is a saint!!!!!
I promised him and myself, I would take the advice of my doctors, I would research a little less than I was so not to overwhelm myself, and I needed to accept where I am and focus on moving forward. It has only been a few weeks, but I have stuck to my guns on what I promised, and I feel more relaxed and calm towards the situation.
I just finished up with my scan and test results through my gynaecologist who is putting me on a 4-month trail of Metformin and Dianette. I am unsure what will happen, how my system will react, will I have any side effects or if it will help at all, but everyone’s experience is so different, so I don’t want someone else telling me what to do. I need to do what is right for me and I need to find that out through trial and error, so I find the thing that works for me.
This is when I decided to write a blog called “One Polycystic Ovary at a Time”. I decided that for 2 reasons; 1. If I don’t know then I am sure someone else will have the same uncertainty and questions 2. It helps me process each appointment, each new discovery and every moment I feel overwhelmed. I don’t expect anyone to read my blog and think that is what they need to do, I just really hope I can show others going through the same struggle that being overwhelmed is ok, share why my doctors are suggesting certain things, and honestly, to meet other women facing the same fight. It is really hard to explain the emotions we go through as cysters to other people, so really believe we all need to support each other and lift each other up!
PCOS doesn’t have a cure (regardless of all the people on twitter sending me cure in 3 days nonsense!!), it is something we have to take control of, and not let it define who we are!
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